I guess it's time to post something.
It's close to midnight and i'm stitting here, wide eyed, and knowing that i should sleep or practice will kick me in the ass more than it usually does. I'm too tired to evaluate life and honestly i'm sick of it. I'm tired of "reflecting" of trying to sound smart and to do well. For the next couple hours i want to cuddle under my blankets and pretend to be nobody. Not have to watch my words or my thoughts. I don't want to analyze life, not think about how much i miss guate and if it was dificult or easy this last transition. Or if i feel anymore accepted in this blasted dutch society (if you haven't noticed i don't)
and here i go again, i'm analyzing, criticizing and trying to spell things correctly. damn brain. i want it to shut off. Just for a moment, i want it to be blank. But i think of you guys and have a small melancoly smile. that's not that bad right? thinking of happy melancolic things? i guess thought isn't bad after all.
Sigh, definately a big sigh. school, basketball, boyfriend, friends, family all kind of form a bullet train in my mind. one of those damn things that won't stop. it's red and yellow with big black evil eyes. that's what my waking nightmare looks like. it's thought. it's a rampage through my mind. and it takes on colors which make it all the more scary. And when i realize it's 00:01 and i have to wake up in 8 hours and be fit for class and then have an hour and a half beaten out of me by a coach and 9 other girls. that blasted train just gets bigger, blacker, and more evil.
and this goes on until i fall asleep. a frenzied one because the train never sleeps, never stops. it takes me places where i don't want to go. others where i long to go but that only wakes up melancoly.
welcome on a my nightmare, for 5 minutes. now you can peacefully get off and i'll wave from this stop. wish i could leap, jump, fly away. but i'm stuck in this inferno for a little longer. So long, dear visitor. Till next we meet!
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vale and I were talking about your piece, and we both agreed that we really like it. I think its a brave venture out of your normal way of approaching writing, something that rings of Guzman's class, more than your normal correspondence. Which is exactly what this blog was made for, to get beyond what you thought you were supposed to write when you sat down in front of our curious fish. (add yourself, if you'd like)
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be experiencing the effects of being away from our perfect lake, where time and persistent thoughts wade through water before they enter our brainz.